i saw britney spears on the ellen show the other day.
and i realized why i'll never be able to be in a relationship with her.
it was kinda freeing really.
you know, just being able to let go of the heavy burden of possibly dating britney later in my life...
and the whole people magaziney-ness of it all.
i guess we can all breath a collective sigh of relief, knowing what i know now.
saving both of us from, what quite possibly would be irreversible heart ache.
i'm sure it's for the best.
i believe in the cosmic order of things. and i think... well, let me set the scene on the show:
the folks on the ellen show brought out a net and a bunch of basketballs...
for britney and ellen to shoot lay ups and stuff... just for fun.
so britney's laughing...and talking to the crowd.
and looking like she's just having a blast.
so...she takes her first shot... and misses.
and ellen takes her first shot and it goes in...
and all of a sudden, you see the change in my girl.
britney's laughing kind of stops..and she stops talking...
and she goes from fun britney to, like, the most determined britney ever.
taking shots... getting totally competitive...
all the while trying to make it look like she's just having fun.
it was crazy to watch...
her eyes kind of changed. and she went from haha britney to britney, kill or be killed.
determined to not miss.
and determined to try and look carefree.
so...even though i know we'd have cute children. and i'm sure we'd look great,
driving around los angeles in her silver porsche, drinking coffee bean and shopping... the relationship would never work.
because of one thing:
that's right, monopoly.
damn you hasbro!!!... why must you always be the wedge!
as you may or may not know, i'm a serious fan of the mo-nop-po-lee.
and whenever i play...i've been known to get a tad bit britney about the game.
ok... maybe a lot britney about it....
and i can only imagine how our 1st and final game of monopoly would go.. it would start off all pleasant.
one of us would let the other one be the car... and we'd laugh... hahaha...
"it's cool, i'll be the iron... i love the iron" the other would say.
then we'd start.
and i'd buy st james... and her laughing would stop.
then as things progressed, she'd built houses on the yellows.
and i'd keep landing on jail...
and not collecting the $200 at go.
then the laughter would turn to jeers.
and our compliments would turn to... 'you can't do that... that's cheating'
then the crying.
then the yelling.
possible hair pulling.
then... the end.
no make up sex. no i'm sorry. no nothing.
just the memory of an overturned monopoly board. and the relationship, over before it really had a chance to begin.
it's tragic really. like shakespeare.
we just couldn't hang.
like two opposing elements in the elemental scale.
like two jackalopes fighting over scraps of food on the wild plains of the serengetti.
like poo-flinging monkeys...
it would not be pretty.
it would, in the poetic words of my could have been ex, ms. spears...
be 'toxic'. and drive us both 'crazy'.
not a girl, not yet a woman,